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Wednesday, February 5th, 2003
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7:49 am - It's been a while...
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I just wanted to say hi to my lj friends who I know have not missed my comments and yet will be happy to see me re-enter the world of livejournal. Stevie, Philjo, Volkster, I've missed you guys, and I look forward to reading all the bullcrap that you write and joining mike in bashin most of it. :) It's now almost 8am, and I just pulled my fourth all nighter of the semester with my good friend Andrew Volk, known as Volkster to his friends. We stayed up all night to write a paper that most likely would not have taken more than 90 minutes of normal pre-midnite thought. Instead we decided to involve the computer lab and dennys. We realized that nothing has changed since freshman year, and while we are much wiser and more mature juniors..lol.. we are still awful students. It's cool though. Anyway, class in a few hours, gotta finish this paper, but good day to all.
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| Wednesday, August 7th, 2002
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5:48 pm - I forgot the beauty
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Somehow in the mess and craziness of everyday life, I had forgoten some of the most simple pleasures in life. This morning I felt God more powerfully than I have in a long time. On my way to the office, windows down, moonroof back, Our Lady Peace in the CD player, singing at the top of my lungs. It was about 72F and breezy at 10am this morning as I stroled around Hope's Campus. The way the wind blew the trees, campus seemed especially gorgous today. To think I was pondering not returning...just weird.
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| Saturday, July 20th, 2002
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5:34 pm - Wow....it's been way too long
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I forgot the sense of release and relaxation the ol' live journal used to provide. How the heck are ya doin kids? I'm very sorry I missed you detroit kids last nite at maggies. I haven't done anything but lay in bed for days. I've never gotten sick during the summer, so this is a first, but I feel like death. Volk & Stevie, you remember what it was like to watch the sun come up in 202? yea, that kinda feeling, expect worse because we weren't hangin out doing stupid stuff on the network! I don't have much time to write but i will post more later. Anyway, I heard you guys were tight at maggies last nite, doesn't suprise me. I can't wait to see Hope for August on the second. Good to be back, time to hit the range. Peace for now.
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| Wednesday, March 6th, 2002
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4:12 am
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No post tonite...I'm wasted. I tried to stay up to give Merlin support on his all nighter, but I just can't do it...I know how quickly 830 approaches....it sux.
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| Monday, March 4th, 2002
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11:18 pm
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Computers...they screw ya...XP is the root of all evil, I swear this is true. I have tried to defend it for months...but I cannot any longer. So many companies making you purchase upgrades instead of just doing the right thing and givin it to you for free. I'm so mad right now.... But I'll get over it. I do have to apologize for sparking such controversy last nite. Thank you for the replies, and mike, you're a good guy. But I will never again post three in a row...unless I just feel like pissin casey off...
Anyway, time to go watch a movie with the roommate. Merlin, Rev, and myself will be going to Big Apple Bagel for a fun breakfast in the morning if anyone would like to come along. Should be a good time. Gonna watch the sun come up, cuz we're going at roughly 7am. Let me know...
current mood:  happy
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12:31 pm
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You jerks....I apologize for not knowing the rules to L.J. For a bunch of Christians you guys are mean. All that though and the only comments I get pertain to how many posts. It is obvious what happened isn't it? The first post is my thoughts post. The second was a random comment that I forgot to put in the first, but remembered when I was looking at a magazine two minutes later, and the third was a clarification after I had a good im with my friend andy. so basically what i'm trying to say is...piss off with your rules. yea....
By the way, i just failed a MicroEcon exam, i'm a bit hostile, but i'll get over it.
current mood:  aggravated
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2:51 am
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As far as the love topic goes. I wanted to clarify my own position real quick. I believe that love still chooses you. I believe there is an intangible with the person that you love and loves you that is either there or it's not. You can't force it, you can't make it be there...it's either there or it's not. My past relationship is the perfect example. I admire Brooke as a person more than most people I know. She is probably my closest friend. She's everything I want in a wife...but. It just wasn't there. We both tried to MAKE ourselves love each other. It didn't happen because it's not possible. So do I think we can pick out or choose who we love...no.
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2:34 am
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Oh and by the way...I wanna hear feedback from Mac users if there are any out there. i have always been a pc user, but...well...the new imac is simply put, way sweeter than any pc i've ever seen. www.imac.com check it out and tell me its not way better. peace
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2:32 am
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I do apologize Phil, no excuses. It's just not right to not make time for L.J. I'm working on that. Right now, I'm just trying to figure out why I'm such a bad student. Stevie...you know my pain right? Blowin off homework...it feels so good until you get to class the next day, then you wish you hadn't been so stupid. Whatever...its just a grade right? Who cares... (Random Thought: I love Stu Jackson...SportCenter is great.)
Ok, can I just say something...something that I would say in a private journal, so that makes it ok for here...I think. Something I have said numerous times in the past few days to my roommate(s) (ya gotta know carp has become pretty permanent...anyway) I have to admit it...I will not hide it any longer and pretend the feelings aren't there. I want a girlfriend. There I said it, I do. I am so confused at this point. Freakin Carp, hatin on love, now he's got me thinking. Do we choose who we love, or does it choose us? I have, for the past six years argued that we cannot choose love, love chooses us. I have stayed faithful to the idea that if you are patient God will reward that...right? Or what if that's not how it works? Why are Christians obsessed with this idea of Love? You're tellin me that God gives us freedom of choice with everything BUT love? I think not, but yet I cannot convince myself to change my school of thought...I still wanna believe, but it becomes more and more difficult as the weeks and months, and years pass. Any thoughts? I'd love to hear a good debate about this one. Especially from those of you just recently hookin up....you know who you are.
I have to express my sympathies real quick before I say goodnite for my roommate....Merlin has had two separate Virus encounters already this semester. I spent 5 hours of his life today trying to fix it. That's just not right. I wish him luck. Talk to you all soon.
current mood: frustrated..becoming a theme
current music: Dashboard
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, February 19th, 2002
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1:56 am
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All viruses are gone. What a great feeling. My jerk face roommate can no longer point at my screen and ask rhetorically, "Why does it say Virus Alert?!?" I may actually hate him when he says that...
Roommate and I had good discussions today. Ya see, I missed class this morning, and it sucked for me. But what sucked more, was that my roommate caused it. I will let you all in on a secret right now. There is a major difference between me being "awake" and being "conscious" in the mornings. My alarm went off this morning, I sat up in my bed for a minute, so my roommate turns off my alarm. Little did he know that I was actually completely wasted, and I actually remembered nothing about waking up prior to 9:35.
9:35 is such an awkward time, because it's decision time. You know that it is still possible to attend your 9:30 just a tab bit late, but something happens in that decision making process. It's really quite amazing. In that 30 seconds that it takes me to decide what I'm going to do. I can thoroughly justify to myself exactly why I shouldn't goto class. It's so weird, 30 seconds is all it takes. I refuse to talk into a class with 15 minutes, only to look at the professor and have him know....this idiot overslept, again!
The question on my mind right now, as I listen to Usher is...yes I said Usher so get off me. Why can't white people be as pimp as black people? I've never met or even seen a white guy as freakin smooth as Usher. Are all black people just born funnier, more athletic, and smoother than me? I don't get it. I mean, I can golf, but does anyone really care about that?...Nevermind. Just a thought.
So I have already decided I will not be attending my Stats class in the morning. Anyone who has had the class understand why, I don't think it needs explanation.
Today was a good day. Relaxing, fun. Watched carp spill a bucket of pop on himself at Subs and More...good times. It was weird having Northwest High School at the same table today.
One last thing, if anyone is in the praying mood tonite, please pray for me and merlin. We visited the beach tonite and have developed a skin...problem. yep, you know what I'm saying, I just can't bring myself to admit it. We're not going under, we're going over. Peace.
current mood: irritated
current music: The Calling - Stigmatized
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| Monday, February 18th, 2002
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4:13 am
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First entry...this is weird. I feel like I must say something profound and meaningful, but what if I don't? Is that ok? I enjoy very much reading everyone's posts. It seems you can learn a lot about a person from this kinda thing. Text has a way of allowing you to express things that you would not normally.
My purpose with this is to help create an atmosphere where everyone can just be real. As my journal name might suggest, I feel I am coming out of an age of fakeness and deception and entering a new era of realism and genuine love. Love for God and love for people, period. Over the next few weeks I hope to be able to articulate and receive feedback on opinions and views that I have. Some old, some new, and some just being realized as we speak.
I seek not for riches fame or great prosperity. I seek to own my time, and be able to devote that time to things I consider worthy. I do not consider spending 40 hours a week working for some company worthy of my time. There are so many things I want to experience in life, so many places I want to go, and so many people I want to help. I feel as though I am often misperceived. I am working on that. I am working on how I come across to people, how I present myself. While I still cannot trade in The Calling and American Eagle for Madison Green and star tattoos, I hope to transform the way people see me. Well...transform is the wrong word, I think its more like, bring into focus.
The Gathering = My Love For Hope College
I say this for a much different reason than most would. What occurred tonite at the Gathering raised so many questions for my life. So many things that I have wondered about for as long as I have been a Christian. Coming from a very conservative background in the Free Methodist church, the atmosphere tonite was of a nature unfamiliar to me. Let me begin this thought with this. My entire life I have taken pride in the fact that I have not taken a sip of alcohol, had a single cig, or had sex. The perfect Christian kid right?... Wow, all the people I mislead, all those that looked up to me, how far I have fallen. Or have I really? While all those things remain true, I realize now that most people don't really know me. Many of my friends are actually outsiders. It's is a difficult thing knowing that my true self and thoughts would disappoint/offend many of my closest friends. Creates a very lonely feeling sometimes.
At the Gathering tonite, I asked myself if I had a cold heart. I really wanted to know. I became somewhat distracted tonite. And I hate it when that happens. Dr. Logan is a great change of pace, and I enjoyed his sermon very much. However, I'm not a fan of that type of service. I have tried for years to FEEL comfortable and to enjoy something like that, but I just do not. The crying out to the Lord, the tears, the emotions, the loud prayers, uncomfortable silence, the "starry eyes." I rest with the feeling that it's all about personality. I'm not a shout at the top of my lungs what Jesus has done for me in front of 2000 people kinda kid, but then again, I wouldn't really shout anything in front of 2000 people. So there's really nothing wrong with that. I say the gathering is my love for hope because of this...I love being able to see different people, all worshiping in different ways, all feeling different things, and all having different personalities; I like to see all these people come together for two things, which are actually just one, love god, and love people. If you love god then you will naturally love people, so one comes out of another. But those two things are what draw me to Christianity as a whole. Sure we have our downsides and our bad moments as a people, but we love, and that's where I find my peace. If people wanna cry out, do it. If you wanna scream to the lord, do it. But I will never ever make someone feel, as I have been made to feel, that they are not as close to the Lord if they do not do those things.
I feel as though I had to regress in my walk with god to really move forward. I had to go from being a starry eyed "I don't really know....but you just gotta have faith kid," to a synical "they were right, there are way too many holes for this to be true..." in order to arrive where I am now. In the age of real. Where I can say without remorse or regret, "I don't know, and I'll never know, but that's ok." I will never again tell someone their way of life is wrong, and they should do it my way. Because us well off kids over here in the U.S know the way. I will elaborate much further on this in the future, but I refuse to be the "I've found it" kid anymore.
To help this all come together, before it gets entirely too long...I rest easy tonite knowing that I am exactly where I should be right now. Do I have lots to improve on in my PERSONAL relationship with Christ? Absolutely. But I will no longer beat myself up over anything. I will not torment myself with the notions of Christ wants us to live our lives miserable. Because I think part of me has grown to believe that over the past few years. Not that my life has been bad, because contrary to that, I have felt guilty that my life has been so good. I hear about all the pains and problems my classmates deal with and go through, and instead of feeling thankful, I felt guilty. Never again will I feel this way.
I hope you will all join me as we enter the Age Of Realness and stop trying to be what we're not. Stop trying to impress those who are trying to impress you. Stop trying to be someone you're not. I do not let many people get close to me, and there are reasons for that. There is a lot more than what you see from the outside, and many are not ready for what they will find....But if you have read this far then it seems you must truly love God, and love people, and for that, I cannot wait to hear your responses.
current mood: frustrated
current music: Linkin park
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